I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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