She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
