I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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