Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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