is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
