I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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