Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
