I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
