I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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