So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
