my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
