I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
