***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
