i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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