If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
