your parents love me but you hate me
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
