So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
