I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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