my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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