Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
