That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
