I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
