dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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