Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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