Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
