Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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