So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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