My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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