Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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