i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
