Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
