I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
