I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
