You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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