I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
