I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
