So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
