Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
