so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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