Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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