guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
