Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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