I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
