In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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