I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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