It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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