Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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