Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
