At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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