Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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