She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
