Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
