the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.