bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need to calm my uterus...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
