an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
