god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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