Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
