did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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