So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
