I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
