And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
