My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
