im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
